Princess Krista
I am hoping you will be able to help me. I am currently in a pretty much vanilla relationship with my boyfriend although he is a sub and myself a dom (although fairly new). He brought me into the scene little by little over the past year and now that I am fully aware of the secret life he has hidden from he has closed up. I have tried for a number of months for us to enjoy this lifestyle together, however, he seems more content in talking with other doms online and on the phone. To make matters worse he hides from me when he goes to clubs, and shuns when I suggest attending togther. You are my only hope - how can I get him to share with me and quit going online and talking with other doms to meet his sub tendencies?!This is a tough one! My first suggestion here is counseling. There's something not right here! This sounds like someone who either enjoys the game and the fantasy more than the reality of the lifestyle, or a person who can only get enjoyment if he is in danger of being caught. If it is that he enjoys the game more than the reality, that shows a very active imagination. That can be good, though for him to close off is not in the least bit good or fair to you as his partner. If he is TRULY interested in BDSM, then hopefully, by now, he understands the necessity of complete, open, honest communication. If not, then you must consider that you have advanced in your knowledge of this lifestyle farther than he has, and help him to learn to communicate about it. Yes, I know, easier said than done. I promise you, though, the longer you hold back that communication, the harder it is to start it. Sit him down in a non-confrontational manner and comfortable atmosphere, and simply ask him. Bring up the possibilities mentioned above, and be accepting of his answer. Be supportive of it, and request that he involve you in some way. Talk about ways to involve both of you in this. If he insists on keeping things from you, there is something a lot deeper wrong here than meets the eye. Personally, if my partner hid from me in a club, I would no longer consider him my partner. While this may sound a bit harsh, this looks to me like the like the basis for lying, cheating and to me, shows a total disregard and lack of respect for you.
Let's try a more positive stab in the dark here... One more thing comes to mind here... When I used to work in brothels, I remember an attitude from the customers of "I can ask you to do things that I would never dream of asking my wife!" This is frustrating for someone like me who has no problem telling her partners what turns her on. This, though, is a cultural and sociological issue. Wives or significant others are supposed to be a certain way, and if they were otherwise, it may ruin his fantasy image of her. He may have been brought up in a situation that demanded propriety from women, and simply cannot get past that social stigma. That, again, is something that may take counseling. I sincerely wish you the best, as it looks as though you've got a tough road ahead.
