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Erotic Asphyxiation
Dear Krista,
I've been with my fiancé' for two years now and while the sex is great, I do have one complaint. A while back I discovered that I loved to have my man put his hands around my neck while we're f*cking (not making love, if you catch my meaning). He did it once, and I had the biggest orgasm I've ever had with him. The problem is, he won't do it again. He says that it doesn't feel right and that he feels like he's doing something wrong or that he's going to hurt me. Even though I've reassured him that I enjoy it and that I'd stop him if it began to hurt, he still refuses. Is there some kind of way that I can bring the matter up to him and make him understand? I'd love to make this a common thing during our "rougher" lovemaking sessions. Thanks!
Angie
Dear Angie,
First, I have to start with a disclaimer here-erotic asphyxiation is dangerous and can be deadly. There have been many cases of play like this that has gone bad, and people SHOULD be uncomfortable with it! The more discomfort, the more caution. I'm not saying for a moment that it is not erotic or intense, but it is one of the most dangerous forms of play.
This is a difficulty that, sadly, may be pretty hard to overcome. Your reassurances may not quite be enough to make him do something that does not feel right to him. You mentioned that you are going to be married. Going into a marriage with an issue like this unresolved could lead to later problems and even resentment. You both need to open up and talk in a non-confrontational manner. Ask him what some of his desires are, and if applicable, let him know that you may not particularly like them and offer to do them for him if you get something that you need. This is not a suggestion of blackmail, but of compromise. Remember that people have a lot of trouble going against what feels 'right' to them, so be patient and don't -expect- this of him. If he does it, show him how much you appreciate it, but if he cannot after you have exhausted all of your avenues of communication, find something else that does it for you. Both of you have a whole lifetime of exploration left. If he cannot do this, it is not right to expect it or get upset with him for not getting it. This is, after all, a very dangerous thing that you are asking of him-if he truly loves you then he would be exercising all the caution in the world.
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