Hi there,
I read about you personally before I decided to write you this letter, and read your responses to others questions, though I wish you had an archives, so that I could peruse all of them past and present, allowing me more of a personal view of your personal views on specific subjects.
Due to my childhood, where there was a serious violation of trust, where I was used for my body, my submissive willing to please anything just to be accepted, or not punished. I was passed among a group of child molestors, though I don't remember it. I have been told stories, and I have seen interoffice communications of the juvenile court, given to me very generously with much gratitude on the part of the judge, to have the ability to see me doing acceptably my parenting job, and managing my life, was a great tribute to people who tried to help me no matter how much I resented it. The situation was incest, which violated my most basic ability to trust another individual in my life.
Okay so now I'm grown. I have a decent life, I have noisy sons who never let me forget why I survived my childhood, to be there for them and to teach them the way they should treat others. I have a wonderful man with a control freak streak from hell that drives me insane, and all I want is to be totally submissive in the bedroom, be dominated, and have him control my very thoughts while we make love. Every sexual act with him is making love to me. I am madly truly deeply in love with him, and have been I think from the first, terribly shy kiss he ever gave me.
The thing of it is, while I love the fact that he's so shy and sensitive, so dependable, and totally trustworthy, which I've learned throughout all of these ten years, I am totally unsure how to approach the idea of being submissive in the extent that I've seen it written about, at least on the websites. Like, my whole childhood was about being controlled, everything from where I would be to what I would wear to who I was supposed to be. I broke free from all of that, to become totally in control of whatever I got myself involved in. Only now, when I've got everyone kind of intimidated by me, in my strength intelligence, biting wit, and accustomed to me running things, I find myself totally without passion for the things I sought to control.
Now it's as if I need to be able to give over control, Give over myself to my man, whom I dearly love, without feeling that the whole relationship has to undergo dramatic changes from the beginning. I have many fantasies about being controlled in ways I don't feel I could ever actually do, but the thought of them turns me on greatly, then I shame myself with the thought that this wonderful man, who ten years ago gave me his virginity with all the beauty of being able to experience exploration instead of the feeling of violation that usually accompanies a first time encounter with a new lover. I always felt violated the first time with everyone until I met this one virgin who showed me that men can be a playground too, if they can keep their hands to themselves and not rush things so quickly.
The problem is, the very thing that drew me to him, made me trust him and believe in him, and his love for me, was what set the pattern for our lives together. We got into a routine of sexual encounters with each other, which acheived orgasm, but not the type of intimacy that I feel I need in a relationship to keep it alive in my heart as well as in my body. Too often it seems that sex is just another thing on our list of things that were drawn up for married couples to do whether they wanted to or not. Just a duty, a chore.
My sexuality was awakened far too young, in a very twisted way. Involving all this secrecy, and attached shame that made it somehow wrong, dirty, and at the same time, mixed in with the shame, there was arousal, which at that young of an age, I wasn't equipped to handle. I was confused that what made me feel so bad in my heart, what made me feel so used, and so inhuman, also made my body sing with feelings that were pleasureable while fighting the reality of the pleasure because the shame made me feel even worse for judging them as sick when I was secretly enjoying what was occuring, some of the time.
Now I have a wonderful sane life, with a wonderful guy, who will tell me what he wants me to do in every arena in my life, but is shy as hell in the bedroom. So we were watching a movie this one night over at a friends house about a psycho killer who is a millionare and has a fetish for causing women pain or having complete control. One scene in the movie, he goes over to his fiance's apartment in the night, she's sleeping nearly naked, he comes in, climbs up in bed with her after dropping his clothes, and starts to roughly manuever her around, smacks her on her face, and then when he puts it in her, he's slamming her with his hands on her throat while she struggles beneath him. It was a hot scene, one which tickled my darker need for being controlled, not controlling things, as I seem to present so strongly.
Well my partner and I talked about this movie a few weeks after we saw it, and I found out that he was turned on as well by this scene in the movie and had been thinking of a way to bring this up to me. He did in fact bring up the subject which gave me the opportunity and the safety I needed to bring up my need to have him be ALOT more aggressive with me sexually, and that we need to talk more about it, but are interested in how to do it after so long of being together, how it would change things. How do we approach it safely for both of us. How does he learn to be more aggressive and how do I learn to be submissive? Okay so now I've gone told you all this useless shit just for one question, but I wanted you to get a feel for the whole picture, and give advice based in knowing the facts that led me to this choice in the first place. SUBMISSIVE VIRGIN
Dear Submissive Virgin,
I did have to edit quite a bit of your letter in the interest of your privacy and my limited space, but I believe that I have the gist here without re-wording your statements. There is definitely more than one question here, so I'll just try to take them in order... The first question about an archive, I have just barely launched the advice site after years of giving advice. I have over 8000 saved E-mails to search through to manually add to the archives here. As you could well imagine if you've ever run a business by yourself, necessity dictates that it is not on the very top of my priority list.
Now, to try to get to the heart of the letter, I see that there are a few things here that you are struggling with:
1. The feelings of wanting to be submissive and conflict of being turned on by the thought after all of the abuse that you survived, and
2. How to approach it with the wonderful man you describe
Question number 1:
I, too, am an abuse survivor, and I commend you for your attitude about not passing the abuse on to your children. Sadly, abuse can easily a repeating pattern. It takes a very strong person to break that vicious cycle. Kudos to you!! Risking generalizing here but not intending that generalization, I've noticed that the BDSM lifestyle seems to draw an inordinately large number of abuse survivors-almost as if we need to re-live our abuse (in a safe circumstance, of course!) in order to take control of our lives. I haven't seen any surveys on this, but would almost be willing to bet my favorite flogger that this is the case. I've been there myself, met others, befriended them, and heard stories that would make the kindest person want to go and kill the monsters responsible. I've watched and listened over the years and in my observations, I see a large percentage of survivors that have 'taken control' by deciding to 'give up control' to someone that they trust. I've also seen a large number of dominants that seem to have a natural urge to 'rescue'. This, in my opinion, is the basis for a large number of D/s (domination and submission) type relationships. Generally, the submissive in the relationship is very strong, as they have survived Goddess only knows what kind of horrors. For a lot of people, Domination and submission fantasy play is actually a catharsis. It gives an opportunity to safely re-live, safely come to grips with things that happened at a very young age, and turn those experiences from something devastating into something that allows them to know themselves such as other people only read about. Some abuse survivors seem to struggle with the question of enjoying the abuse that was happening to them, and feelings of guilt for enjoying it.
From the moment we are born, we are learning about our own bodies and how they work. Children at a very young age will naturally start exploring and finding the things that feel good to them-this is part of who we are to become and a natural part of growth. In the case of incest, the physical body is going to react the way a body is designed to react, even though society dictates that it is wrong. There are cultures in which it is or was acceptable to have a relative teach a child about sex when physically mature enough, and since this was accepted in that culture, it was not considered wrong. Whether or not readers may personally agree with this practice, it is a fact that the basic concepts of right and wrong are taught by the society in which we live. If people were not TAUGHT to feel guilty over bodily pleasures, they simply would accept it as the nature of who they are as they accept that they may be tall, short, fat or thin, have freckles, or be white or black. Humans, like any other animals, are sexual beings. We have evolved to be more so than animals, but, getting down to the very basic nature of being human, are still ruled by our physical urges first and foremost. We can no more help the reactions to outward stimuli than we can stop breathing. What makes us different than animals are the restrictions we place on ourselves as a society. If you are raised in a cannibalistic culture, you would never dream of feeling guilty for being a cannibal. Hence, if you are taught that incest is horrible (which I personally believe!), then how can it feel good? This is where the child that has had incestuous abuse inflicted upon them has a serious difficulty that will probably follow them into their adult life. They do not know that it is possible to separate in the mind the physical reactions from the wrongness. They were never told that the body is designed to react in pleasure to sexual stimuli, just as it is designed to breathe. They feel guilty for natural reactions of enjoyment. I feel that this is something that therapy or counseling can help for a lot of people. A therapist should be able to help people to understand the differences when they are old enough to deal with the abuse. A therapist may try to have a grown person relive the experience so that they can come to terms with it later in life, and hopefully, they should help to differentiate between the physical and emotional aspects of abuse so that the abuse survivor can go on to have a healthy, guilt-free sex life. My advice site should never take the place of therapy, but is designed to hopefully allow you to see another point of view that may stimulate thought in another direction-even if that direction may be therapy. If it is, I suggest that you look for a therapist that is kink aware such as Kink Aware Professionals.
Question 2: Getting back to the D/s aspect of the questions, it sounds like you are a very strong and self-aware person. Hopefully, adjusted enough want to get to know yourself better without feeling guilty over the reactions of your body, and to share this with your life partner. How lucky for you! It seems to me that you have a man that (in the appearance of your letter) is naturally dominant. A lot of couples have a difficulty in that department because one partner may want the other partner to be something they are not and do not have the capacity for. As for shyness in the bedroom, the poor guy may have never been taught that sexual openness is a good and necessary part of healthy sexuality, or possibly may have some unaddressed fears or guilt there. He may be afraid of disapproval or even losing you if he shares his deepest and darkest fantasies with you. He may have some really dark fantasies that he is afraid to admit, or feels guilty for and may be afraid of scaring you with them. Almost every human being has fantasies, some darker than others. The people who act upon those dark fantasies in a NON-CONSUAL MANNER are the ones that end up committing incest, rape, murder and unspeakable acts upon others. The interesting part of this is that the ones that realize that those fantasies are just fantasies and can turn them into a safe, playful and active sex life are the people that end up with fabulous relationships, deep inner strength and a love of self that comes with the acceptance of who they are inside.
How to make this happen? Don't force it. Be patient and be an example for him. Very carefully, let him know that you have these desires. You can do so by the movies you watch, the books you read and suggest he read, the websites you suggest he check out such as Castle Realm, and showing him your reactions to these things. Above all, let him know in whatever subtle ways that you can that you have committed to him and are not going to leave him if he reveals dark fantasies to you. Let him know by your actions and reactions that things turn you on. Go slow-if you've been with him for ten years you should know how to judge his reactions to things. If he seems to have positive reactions to the more subtle things, you might want to consider sending the kids to a babysitter and going to a hotel for a night, having room service serve you dinner, light some candles and just talk. Maybe a favorite quiet restaurant? Let him know that if he tries things that do not work out that you'll still love him and stay with him, and stick with that promise. Talk to him in a non-confrontational manner, and hopefully, he'll get more comfortable with talking to you. Start out slow, with things that do not involve complex equipment or fantasies, maybe just a silk scarf wrapped around your wrists. Afterward, let him know how much that turned you on and how, at the time, you hoped he would be rougher. Build upon that, all the while encouraging him gently to share his feelings and reactions with you. I've seen couples who have told me that they had been together for years and stagnated until they learned how to communicate with each other and opened up a whole new world. It is a difficult thing, especially for couples that have been together for a long time, but I have a lot of faith in love. If both partners love each other and both are WILLING to communicate down to the soul of their being, then I believe there is not a lot that cannot be overcome with honest, heart-to-heart communication.
