I'm a woman in my early 20s and I was in a long-distance D/s relationship for a year and a half, traveling back and forth between my home and his, and in April it ended. I ended it after having had enough of not being trusted, respected, made a priority (the list goes on) for the year and a half. It really was (and is) for the best. I've tried going out and dating but I can't seem to get over him. We had NO closure which may have helped, but I know he's not good for me and we could never work out. Even so I miss him and I think about him all the time. The thought of him with any other tears me up inside. I feel like a part of me has just been torn away from me and I know this is not typical (I've had longer vanilla relationships that I didn't mourn this badly). I am desperate to contact him but I know I shouldn't because I'll go running back to him if/as soon as he responds and the relationship was not good for either of us. Also, I don't think anything he could say would help me. I need help on letting this go and getting on with my life. I'm terrified to get into another relationship like this where you give so much of yourself to another to the point that you don't truly exist without them. It's so painful. In sum, I really either want to go back to him and be with him forever or to never think about him again. I know the right answer but it's still hurting and very difficult for me. Any advice you could offer would be extremely helpful.
Dear L,
This is a heartbreaking situation, but you are right to get out of it. The difference between abuse and BDSM is consensuality, and self-esteem. At this point, however difficult, you realize that you are more important than the relationship you had. That, my dear, is a very good thing. You realize that you deserve better and that the relationship was one-sided. You are on a positive path, even though you may not be able to clearly see that at this moment. D/s relationships that end can be devastating. I think that is because of the depth of commitment that a slave gives a master, the greatly enhanced communication in this lifestyle, and the vulnerable position you are in at all times within that relationship. A lot of people do not understand that there is a huge difference between losing a master and ending a relationship. While I'm not trying to make light of the pain of ending a vanilla relationship, there are transitions that a slave goes through that are almost similar to brainwashing techniques. The slave is opened up, examined, made to change, and laid bare in heart, body and soul. This relationship is possible as close as a parent and in a lot of ways is a 'second childhood' in that the slave is learning a whole new way of life. Vanillas can never understand the depth of this, and the depth of submission that is inside of a slave.
So, what should you do? You already know. Don't contact him, get on with your life, and realize that the part of you that was ripped away was mostly hopes that did not come to pass. Realize that your grieving process will be much like a death of someone close to you. Some may call the loss you feel co-dependant, but that is something that only you can truly know. Vanillas would encourage you to get counseling for the codependency. I never discourage counseling, but want to point out the major difference in attitude. If you seek help, you are in a vulnerable position for some psychologist to place a label on you, prescribe you some anti-depressants and enjoy his vacation condo in Hawaii. By all means, seek help if you need it, but realize that YOU are strong enough to know that your relationship was one-sided and that you deserve more. You already have acknowledged and nurtured your inner strength in your pursuit of a life of service. You also have the strength inside to not allow yourself to be used as a doormat, be it by vanilla or non-vanilla.
Get involved with organized BDSM support groups, get involved with special interest groups… Most BDSM groups have SIGS (Special Interest Groups) that are just for subs, just for Doms, just for switches, etc. If you cannot find one where you are, get involved with online discussion groups. Most of all, respect yourself, be safe and always remember that you deserve to be treated with respect in whatever side of the ice cream you end up in, be it vanilla or Rocky Road.
