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What an impressive letter!
One, soon I will be entering college, where I intend to major in psychology. I have already read extensively on the matter, especially from the psychodynamic perspective. You made a comment that the BDSM lifestyle tends to attract a lot of abuse survivors, but you thought it might be a generalization. Just so you know, studies on the subject hve reinforced that idea. "Similarly, a women who had a traumatic experience as a child of being raped as n older boy would ask her husband to tell her stories of rape during foreplay. It is true that in part these experiences were pleasurable; nevertheless, the reenactment of these traumatic events also served the purpose of making sure that one was now master of these situations and no longer afraid of them." Greenson, "Forepleasure: Its Use for Defensive Purposes"
Also, kudos on a grat job and site.
Now to my question. I am very submissive, into bondage, and light discipline (not to the point of blood) I have been dating the guy who I think I'm meant to spend the rest of my life with for about 7 months now. (I say think not because any wavering of feelings, but because I am only 18 and it is only 7 months-- conventional detractors.) I'm not sure exactly how to describe how he stands on the BDSM issue-- the more we get into it, the more he seems to enjoy it. (I was able to finally bring it up because of all things he answered to a question on a spark personality test that he'd rather be dominant.) I don't, of course, want him to do anything he doesn't find pleasure in (I don't think I could be that selfish), but I would enjoy it if he was a little more dominant, especially in the areas outside of the bedroom (he is naturally, it seems, more dominant there.) but more bdsm in the bedroom too. What would be the best way to encourage this? My best friend (a dom. female) suggested talking to him about it, but another friend (a sub. f.) suggested that it would be better just to encourage it when he does it. I'm not sure.
Also, where can I find information on the bdsm lifestyle?
Sorry this is so long, and if it is stupid (I am new to this... being 18 and all)... and thanks for any answers you can give!
Wow! From the articulate manner in which you word this letter, I'm shocked to find out that you are 18. You've obviously got a great head on your shoulders. That is a rare pleasure. First, I'd like to thank you for the validation. My experience has been just that: experience. While I have experienced a lot in my life and 20 years of working in the sex industry, I'm not a therapist and do not claim to be. I consider myself more of an empath who has lived through more sexual experiences than most can even dream of, and more than I care to remember at times. Anyway, to get to your question, definitely BOTH!!! First and foremost, talk to him. While the suggestion of encouragement is not to be thrown away or taken lightly, the first suggestion is clear and open communication. The early times in a relationship generally establishes communication patterns for the rest of the relationship. Start right away. Try getting the book "Screw The Roses" and fill out the forms in the back of the book. Sit down and talk about the results, and be honest. If you establish open communication early in the relationship, chances are that you won't find yourself married to a stranger twenty years from now. I can't tell you how many men came to me because their wives "just didn't understand". Make the effort to understand, to not expect things out of him that he may not be able to give, and to accept everything that he is. If you are a good example, he'll follow suit. Couples that are close tend to act as a mirror to each other. You show him with communication AND encouragement what you like and need, and he'll most likely do the same.
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